I’m really not the best at this blogging thing. I really wanted it to be something I did regularly, but life keeps getting in the way, and then I get scared I’ve been gone too long. I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s felt that way. Either way, I just wanted to talk about some things that have happened lately since I think it’ll be nice to share and also be therapeutic for me.
So, in November I broke up with my boyfriend of six years. I felt that we weren’t doing well together anymore and I wanted more for myself, so I ended it. I am honestly happy with my decision, probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I would have continued to get dragged down into “the abyss” had I continued to be scared of ending things. However, with that came with its own set of challenges, the biggest one right now is learning to be alone and figure myself out.
I put a lot of my time and effort into holding a broken relationship together and never took enough time to figure out exactly what I wanted out of life, or what type of person I wanted to be. I was constantly worrying about money, about if this person actually cared about me still or not, about what our future was going to look like. I’ve didn’t stop to think too much about what I truly wanted. I got really depressed, gained a bunch of weight, stopped doing the things I really loved, and just kind of got by for a couple years. I started to wonder if this was all life was going to offer me, and I decided that it wasn’t enough.
After I broke things off, things were kind of rocky for a bit. I had to stay in the apartment with him for another two months because I couldn’t move into my new apartment until midway through January, on top of that, I had to stay with a friend for almost two weeks because our lease was up beginning of January. I am forever thankful for my friend for letting me stay with her and her family, but that time before I moved into my apartment was probably some of the worst I’ve ever dealt with. I worried constantly and didn’t really have a set routine during that time. It really threw me off. I wish I could say that I handled it well, but I spent a lot of time crying, calling my friends on the phone and sobbing to them about my problems, and worrying all the time. I was a mess.
I’ve now been in my apartment for three weeks. I decided that I absolutely didn’t want to live with anyone right now, so I chose to live alone with my bird. I have never lived alone before, and the first week was really really nerve-wracking. Every little noise freaked me out, I worried about everything as usual, and I couldn’t seem to get comfortable. I also was really worried about money again. I didn’t realize just how expensive living alone was going to be until I started to get into it. I have a great full-time job that pays all of my bills, but I’m definitely lacking in money for fun things to do, dinners out, cushion money, etc. I’m not beggar poor, but I’m not flush with cash at the moment. All this, plus trying to adjust to being completely alone every day (unless I have people over), made for a really rough first week.
I’m going on to week four, and although it’s getting a little easier, I’m still working on myself. I’m less stressed, and I thank my friends and family a lot for that. I have a meltdown here or there, but it’s getting a lot better. I’m starting to venture out to do things and starting to have people over to hang out. I’m looking into free things to do (just went to the art museum today actually), as well as volunteering opportunities. I’m figuring out ways to earn extra cash for savings as well as possible travel in the future, but I’m also learning to spend money wisely and budget. I’m learning a lot of new things about myself, some I like and some I don’t. I have to take the good with the bad, but I think in time I can be someone I’m happy with.
Breakups are really tough, even if they’re for the best. It sucks being 27 and having to start over when you thought you were going to be with someone forever. I know I’m still young and have so much time to do the things I want to do and find someone who really loves me and will put in the effort like I have. I want to talk more at some point about the things I’m doing to keep myself sane while living alone, so I think I will try to come back again soon and do another post. Just felt like getting this out tonight.
Hope everyone is enjoying the rest of their weekend, and I’ll be back again soon with fun stuff like before. 🙂